It’s been an hour and a half since I went to bed and I haven’t had a single minute of sleep. Tossing, turning, nothing… I tried counting sheep too, that didn’t work. They all seem to be in a frenzy. You’re supposed to go over the fence one at a time you leaping hairballs. That’s the rule! Right? And so the sensation of sleep, like a shadow, fades into the night. A little while later I find myself in front of my laptop, having an insatiable itch to write this blog.
Lying there, staring at the white ceiling, the blank walls, the curtain moving with the breeze and those weird looking shadows outside the window; enough to bore a person to death (but not to sleep *sigh). So one tries to entertain the weary mind. No matter what your initial thoughts were, it will almost always end up with the evaluation of how your life had been, how it turned out and how it’s going to be. Therefore, my humble layman’s hypothesis is, the lack of sleep is not the main problem with insomniacs; rather the contemplation that rides it at top speed, like a menacing, maniac biker, complete with the leather outfit.
Eight years I’ve been working and what do I have to show for it? A house in a fancy village, a car or two, a condo in the metro; society dictates these as the measure of an individual’s success. Unfortunately, I don’t have any of those. I can’t believe it’s been eight years since I received my first paycheck. Eight years. Where have all that hard-work gone? Sure, I was able to send my little sister through high school and college, extend help to my family, I’ve seen parts of the world (and plan to continue seeing more), a few gadgets including the laptop I’m using to update this blog, and that’s that!
Success is relevant, they say. I’ve never been the type to associate the aforementioned things to quantify success. What irks me though is that need to accede with the “norms”; and to deviate from it, is to be a failure, a disappointment. Back in college, my friends often tell me how they admire my “I don’t care what other people think of me” attitude. I miss my college self.
As we encounter the realities of life, our outlook continually changes with it, and change is good. But there are some worth keeping the way they are. Perhaps that’s why those sheep are running around like lab rats on a sugar rush; I just need to herd them to jump over the fence one at a time, like they’re supposed to, like they always have. And perhaps then, I can get some much needed shut-eye…